The pain of the past is like a broken doll.
The thing about living with pain from the past is that it prevents us from being in the present, it prevents us from feeling happiness.
People are problem solvers, we want to understand who, what, when, where, and how. We want answers so we can move past what we experience.
But when it comes to feeling pain and solving why we are in pain, this is just not easy! It involves emotions. It feels too complex. It feels unjust, unfair_____when someone else says or does things that hurt us.
We want to understand, we want it to stop, and we want to be told “I am sorry!” At the moment we tell ourselves we don’t understand why “this” has happened____but we often do.____ We can say it feels out of the blue, but often there is a build-up of “things” such as smaller arguments, or comments____ Signs we don’t pay attention to, or take time for. We lack time, and that is a big part of the problem. This was part of the problem for me and my ex. He was a farmer, his time was not something he could control, nor that I had control of. We had to wait on being the couple. Talking about feelings, showing love, and talking about important things____all of this had to wait. It was frustrating, I had a lot of alone time. Me and the kids. Making things better was complex, and it meant communicating and coming down to making choices that worked for both of us. However, it all got out of hand because of how we came to feel about each other. The confidence in feeling right and justified in those feelings.
When we justify our hurts it’s hard to look at the whole picture. Looking at the whole picture does help us to understand what happened. It doe not let someone off the hook for their responsibility for the relationship. It does not let someone off the hook regarding their words or actions. It can help us let go if we can look at things without the anger and hurt filters.
When things were good with my ex and me, when we dated, and in those early years we talked! We told each other what happened to us, and we talked about what hurt us. We build upon these things. We felt trust and belief. This is why we feel hurt and anger when a relationship fails.
Relationships of any kind when ending deeply hurt. Divorce, or something that happens within a friendship, or within a family. It hurts because we are invested in our emotional selves. We expected to trust, belief, and respect. We expected this to never change. We had agreed to commit. This is what we expect.
Because we are angry and hurt we don’t want to look at the broader picture. Years have gone by for me, and my ex. The kids are grown and have kids of their own. Along the way, I felt a need to look at the bigger picture.
I came to realize we were different people who wanted different things out of life. Because what I wanted and needed as an artist and writer did not fit with being a farm wife this was a part of the problem. I needed people, life was solitary, I did;t drive. We could not afford a car. I had wanted to do art school first. He said me or school, I said school, and then he promised to help me to get a car and learn to drive, and that h would support art school. And here you find the problem that did not go away. The reality was there was no extra money to get a car for years! My dream couldn’t happen unless I changed things. At the point of five years, I suggested we divorce as we had no kids. His response was to have a baby, something I did want to do….a romantic notion…a big I love you? Not fully thought out, and there you are! Caught up in parenting, and still an absent husband….who is a farmer! And not in control of what happens on a farm. It’s a lot of hard work. I have never wavered in knowing what farm work was, as I helped out for 5 years! I felt I understood his love of that lifestyle. I just wanted to do my own gig too! Being alone and lonely, not feeling loved and supported became how I felt. My kids became my life, we lived on an island. This man came home, I fed him and slept with him. This was how I saw it.
Then one day we did get a car, and he had the farm truck. He said he would support me in working to help our budget. I went job hunting, found a job service, and ended up going to art school. My dream! In the mix, we ended up with a counselor who supposedly was going to help my ex support me in my going to art school. Turned out he was not a very good person or counselor. Should never have been one! Never helped only made things worse and more complex.
I won’t get into details of what was a nightmare. But I had reasons to feel deeply hurt. My goal is to pass on that we can move past even the worst nightmare of a hurt!
It is important to do so! Or you live a life of unhappiness. You bring that unhappiness right along with you into new relationships.
Just recently I realized that when I was with my kids, I did not show real happiness because I believed it would hurt them to see me happy! I also observed a very unhappy mother, who was often hurt and angry. I did not have a sense of what good and bad anger was when I was married the first time. I did everything to avoid showing anger or getting him angry. The point here is I applied what I observed from my parent’s relationship. Being unhappy also affected my first marriage. Whatever my ex believed about me also stemmed from what had influenced him. Not checking in on how we felt, what we thought….had its own impact. There is and was more to the problems. There were things we both didn’t understand.
I have come to a point where I can be compassionate for those who hurt me. I understand that just like me they were influenced by their own emotions…their own beliefs, and reality.. Being angry and hurt prevented me from looking at the broader picture, my own role in that relationship, and the relationship with my parents and my children.
I hope these thoughts help. Best wishes Pejj