My desire to be different!
After Thomas died on September 28th, 2020 I took time to be present with myself, meaning I explore my feeling about my loss of Thomas, and what this meant for me.
This was a year-long journey of “What do I want life to be like now?” I have always “gone quiet” to feel my feelings, and to examine how to approach what I want to do now.
Self-talk was, “Oh, K! Your single now! Just you here, with all that’s around you! Now what?” I was not unique in having my husband die. The first thing is now you are a widow or widower. I don’t like those definitions, I prefer being single. However, being single at 60-something is not like being single at a younger age I feel. I think that is because so much of living life has been experienced! Now it’s “Now, What?”
This thought brought me to the fact I want to live life differently! Living differently means changing it up! Then I thought “What about my health issues?” The fact I need a hernia operation, am overweight! I stopped realizing I was creating a pro and con list for myself, and I did not want to zero in on this list-making habit! Doing so would not move me forward. I could make a list though! “What do I want my life to be like and how can I change it, and make it happen despite health issues etc.”
I thought: “I want to change my mindset.” Ok how do you do this?
I looked around the living room and thought I need to change this room. It’s all about me and Thomas right now. I did, and it helped to change the look of things rather than envision Thomas’s placement in the space. He would always laid down on the couch and watched tv as he fiddled with things to keep his hands busy. He had ADHD. I put a new cover and pillows on the couch and changed things so that they were colorful. Burnt orange and yellow curtains, a couch cover that had these colors in it. The result was a cozy fun room! I was able to relax, and deflate here now. I put photos of him away. Later I found one that always makes me smile of us.
When you have been married for 22 years there is a lot of you around! Thomas was also an artist, the house, therefore, had art everywhere! Ours and art we purchased, as well as art from Tom’s family. It was also full of our books, some we had purchased together!
Losing someone hurts deeply. Your loved one will always be in your head and heart. However, you did not die. Living life continues! And you have your family whom you also love.
I began to think about how I could change my life. What could I do differently? There are a lot of things. Moving became and still is a big change to come! Halfway there? Maybe. But that’s about where I live. Not me, myself.
The one thing I was sure of was I wanted to respond to life and people differently. My past life prior to Thomas had been pretty dysfunctional. I had spent a lot of time on myself, and my life to be different. Life had been very good with Thomas. What did I want to do that I had not done yet? A bucket list? This is just what I am doing now. It’s me4 having fun with life! Trying new things such as new clothes. Defining what happiness is what I can do on the inside.
My List?
Travel. Visit people I have not seen in a long time! After all, I bought myself a new car!
New clothes that I like, and stop saving them, hanging them in the closet and then not wear them!
Reach out to other people!
Smile a whole lot more! Be more outgoing!
Work on self though diet and exercise.
Don’t stay hung up on the pros and cons.
Believe and trust itself!
Have a will, and find a way to do things, be independent!
Read the books I want to read, and finally, listen to all the music we have!
Feel comfortable in my own skin, who I am at this point in life!
Best wishes! Hope this helps others think about how they can change life up. Pejj
Anisette Studios & Shibui Fine Arts 