The challenge by Stuart Danke, a fellow blogger.
I have taken up the challenge by Stuart Danker of Malaysia who has shared his thoughts on being a writer via his WordPress writers blog. Stuart’s challenge is to keep a daily journal, not a new idea, My new journal is black, thick, and has a verse about Dreams in gold on its cover. This reads, I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find what you’ve not, I hope you have the thought to start over again.” It’s fresh and new, waiting for me to begin.
Journal-ling is not new to me, nor is the fact that if I constantly write, and preserver in honing my writing skills___then I will have something to offer and worthwhile. For me, at this point in time, this means writing differently than in the past. I want to think deeper, more clearly, with better focus, before I lay it down; and have organized thoughts. Impromptu is not bad as most things begin that way. I want to write about the creative processes because they interest me, and I want to read about the creative process others experience because it will help me find my own words about the matter. I am curious about why I compulsively love to write. This journal needs to be intimately mine. It will likely include what happens in my life such as the response to this past year, Tom’s death. Getting past what it is when a partner dies; “poof” and you are suddenly single.
When a partner dies, the path or road ahead is still there waiting for up to continue your journey along it. Given myself a year to be present with me I can now voice my thoughts and sort myself out. I can feel better about being broadsided by emotions because I found I can survive this, I can untangle from being a partner. It is normal to miss the person you love. You honor someone by loving them, crying over that loss, and by finding a place in your heart for your sadness. Being alone is a reality that does not have to stake me to a tree where I find myself looking down that path. I do not have to subconsciously become transfixed or traumatized so badly that I do not dare to take a step down that road. How we take in information and use it is up to us, according to our unique experiences. Being present by spending time with one’s self is important! It is for my personality. For once in my life, I needed to put myself first, and this was something that requires thought so you move past what holds you down. I have helped many people over the years and set myself to the side in a number of ways. Caregiving requires this too. It was time to step back and find more of myself, dust me off, as well, feel thefeelings and not protect the heart from the hurt that comes with such feelings. There is no other way to learn what you can handle. Finding inner strength is key.
For someone who has been a fixer earlier in life, and who listened to others’ thoughts and then be someone who has taken on a counselor like role out of love, and compassion___I felt at this point in life I needed to make sure to process my own feelings; pretty much alone without well meaning thoughts being added to my own. Now having said this I deeply appreciate other people, but as for me, knowing me, I overthink too much already with the mind of a writer and with the tendency to fix and politely listen when I can barely sit. It felt like being among the paparazzi to have my thoughts and everyone else’s. At least this is the imagination, for sure to be aware of.
When someone dies and you are left to figure out how to move forward it is not a time to have a need to explain your words and actions. It becomes too much to take in advice good or bad. You feel you are at risk of getting embroiled in something that adds to what already is an overwhelming plight, one of dealing with the death of a loved one. I was grateful to find articles that spoke about this very thing because I was having mixed feeling about my feelings being ok.
Loved ones and friends are wonderful and well intended but as much as their words can help, they also add to an overload of thought at times. And you just don’t know when you are able to politely take anything in, and be accepting. May my friends forgive me for not reaching out. I did when I could. If this is being a private person I don’t know it may be. What my gut told me was to breath, find my center, and let it be me, my thoughts about my husband, and our relationship. It is not easy to do take this path. I did find my inner strength and wisdom. I found I was ok that I could get to where I wanted to be. I felt I needed to cinch up my feelings so I could move forward with the things I had plans for. Life remains interesting in the same ways, and I do believe that life is what you make it! No one knows how long their own life will be.
I have come to conclusions about this process. It has been about untangling from Thomas. This is not a bad thing. Our lives were entangled, and we enjoyed that pleasure and the intimacy of who we were together. Now I want life to be an adventure again, not some kind of trial, where I cultivate being deeply sad. If that should be the focus I will become stagnant, and never try out what I feel I have learned about how to embrace life. There is much more to living a life! I am more than the wife of my dearest Thomas! I have children, and grandchildren to continue to love. I am an artist, and writer, and poet and these parts of me are things I am entangled with too! I feel I am at the starting gate at 66 years old! This means being smart, and given thought to the plans I make. Goals need to be set, and perseverance needs to be a motto. Consistency is my mantra. If ever I want to do something with these things I love doing, it is now! It is a matter of putting on hats, and taking them off, and letting some go. Some journeys end and this is when others begin; a new hat will be required. It is not a time for procrastination, or for waiting for others to help you with the day. I need to do all I can for my own sake! Find ways to do the important things. But I need to take to heart the fact I can not do everything! I learned that long ago, although I am always disturbed by not doing. I find this is what gets me down. That I am disappointed in myself for not finding away to do what I need to do. This is at the heart of what brings me down, my own disappoint in myself. This is something only I can change by setting priorities. I feel I have come to a point where I am able, to sum up, my feelings. And this feels great. What happens during the next year? I have no idea. I do think some things are let go of. I will not forget Thomas but I can see I will embrace life as I always have. I can see that if the love of a partner comes my way again, I will feel as grateful for it. I will love that person for who he is, as long as he loves who I am in turn. Wisdom tells me to be all I can be, and not go looking for love, there is plenty to do for now.