My Dearest Thomas
Oh, sweet man__lovely man. I have lost you to death. Poof! And you are gone! What do I do with this new reality? One day at a time is what it is! But these days are not full of sadness every minute! I am not crying all day! What I feel is this comfort, and contentment. It feels a bit odd to feel this way. But I think it has something to do with how we loved, and what our relationship was. There is nothing what so ever to regret other than your not here. But I know exactly what you would say and do in every instance. I know you would not want me to hurt, and have painful thoughts, nor cry. But you would also know that is a part of moving forward. There was so much love and laughter for us, I feel so blessed to have had you in my life! I know what you would say, and just how you would kiss and have your arm around me. I imagine this. And of course I do cry a bit and for awhile, not long. We were so into each others heads and hearts! What we had I feel was so rare and unique. I know that what ever your doing now has grabbed you attention and off you have gone! I do thing life goes on after we die. New choices to be made. I think you can come back as I sense you. I still am trusting in you like recently when I worried over Jacobie driving Dave’s car back to Rhode Island! I sensed that it was no something she should do! I asked you to make it not be drive-able if it was unsafe! And low and behold the heater that had been working did not! Thank you! You look after Jacobie well! The reader will find more thoughts that have come to mind.
Lonely? I tell myself I am not lonely, but I am alone until someone comes or I reach out to others. There are no more long talks about everything and anything! I am single I can not identify with being a widow even if I am one.
I smile to remember some things, and cry at other things. Like we had to make ourselves stop talking so we would go to bed. That we often continued until exhaustion of the topic or ideas, and sleepiness finally over took us due to the cuddling and soft bed. Heads on pillows that remind you why your there. This made me smile.
Our interests were life and people, history, all forms of art and music. Often, those conversation were about how to think about something or someone. Sometimes it was exploring new way have closure regarding things that seemed unchangeable.
I loved listening the stories of you life. You made a great a story teller. I was reminded of my grandfathers story telling. Your fathers story telling, and your mothers.
I would have loved to have met you as a young man I would have been so in love with you right from the start! I would have “got who you were right away!” I would have been doing what ever caught your attention. There were many things we had in common like photography. A part of both our degree programs.
I would have got into hiking and model rocketry! We both played hockey, for me it was field hockey of course, during gym as being on a team could not happen for me, it ended.
We had fireworks! Just holding your hand_____but those kisses! Oh! Love! I do miss you! I play our favorite cd After The Rain, Erik Satie’s Gnossiennes No. 1, I close my eyes and I remember your making love to me___giving me all your attention, taking your time. We had the secret to love making…it is more about loving who each other is, simple acceptance that makes truly amazing! I hear Kate Woof”s Green Eyes___and I am reminded how we both felt about how this was our song. You never missed a thing! Never! You always knew what to say or what to do. I can hear Leonard Cohen’s Dance Me To The End Of Time__and suddenly your holding me and I am waltzing with you. Your looking down at me and kiss me. And pull me closer. I watch Out of Africa and again I am once more waltzing with you to the waltz we learned to dance for our wedding. You were a wonderful dancer! OH! Love! We took lessons to learn how to do that for several weeks! Our honeymoon was the best time of my life! It was just you and me! How do you top having someone like you? You can’t. You were like living with all the Winnie The Poo characters with your ADHD. We worked together and life worked. Everything we did was out of love for one another.
You and music! Tons and tons of wonderful music! A common bond. LOL and you could sing nicely! I loved when you sang to me! A love song. You spend a day making me a two sided tape of all they ways you loved me using poems, and saying things, and love songs. You edited it until it was perfect! You made a whole CD of music for our wedding, for me to walk down to you to! It stopped just before I got to you! All I could do was laugh. You knew of this small chapel and it was perfect. It was in Evergreen Cemetery, we bought grave sites at the same time! Laughing we would be married and buried there! Well love your cremated! And, so will I be and then our ashes will be mix and let go from a mountain or somewhere special to us. Jacobie will see to that.
I did not ever expect someone like you to come into my life! What rich wealth of knowledge you had. You could be given a date in time and you could tell me what you were doing that day. You were very much the gentleman and cut a fine look when in a suit. Very handsome! I never dreamed of meeting anyone like you! But I did, and life became sweet and good and filled with love and laughter.
I had never flirted with anyone before in my life and you brought out this extroverted self out in me. I flirting shamelessly with you! I surprised you one time with a very long kiss, and did not stop until we both broke up laughing!
Names like “Honey-bun and toots!: Over time stopped turning you pink to red. I build up a whole list of names for you! Like”Stud-muffin!” It took years for the deep red to fade of your face. You did not see yourself as a Stud-Muffin! Truthfully, nor did I the picture that came to my mind was the fellow it the leather jacket in beach blanket Bingo, and that was absurd! This came from my since of humor. I patted your bottom because you were a shy modest man. I like to make you blush. This made me laugh and tease more! But you got me too! I was “Doll Face!” and “Sweetie pie!” It was fun to come up with silly names. I loved to see your lit up face, those shiny eyes and your smile! I could real you in to tease you and we would laugh! Such laughter and fun! You were such the ultimate ham! We loved plays on words.
You held me in your arms as we slept. I miss that warmth, your kissing my neck or shoulder. Your arm always moving past mine to find its resting spot. The other under the pillow. For some time I kept sleeping on my side of the bed. Now, I sleep on either side, and the middle. Grateful to share it with the cat. Purring instead of snores that belonged to you. Its weird. I have had trouble sleeping because the hours are different. I am glad to have our grandson stay, and for when Mom and the other kids come and fill our bed. When you were here, it was like being packed as sardines! An now there is room, to much room but comfortable___yet your missing. Oliver in his sleep can not throw his arms over you, while locking me into place like Gulliver. Emma no longer can come sit with you and talk your ear off. We were thinking of a king size bed! You are not there watching your kindle into the wee hours. It is too quiet without you. No, quiet at the wrong times.
Your tender kisses. I will miss the electric kisses with loud snaps our lips meeting made. Those snaps hurt!
I will miss waltzing in the kitchen. Listening to Jazz or the classical music, So much music! So many movies! So many books! I will miss reading these books to you! You laying on the couch and me my chair with my glasses on and a wine or glass of water in case. Our favorites, The Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings___ Tolkien. Poets at times. C.S. Lewis. Wind In The Willows. Mark Twain, Our Folio Society book collections! Amazing real leather. Moby Dick___We only needed a fireplace. I read my poetry to you or articles I was working on, the children’s stories___and you helped when I needed help with ideas and wordage or ideas. I will miss your help.
Your thoughtfulness. Always looking out for me or my children and grandchildren. You were indeed Grampy Tom!
Cooking meals will be forever changed when it is just me here. Setting an elegant table, wine in fine goblets. Gourmet meals….Well, I will just have to find a way to do such a thing. But candles and music will feel odd without you. Dressing up to look pretty for you___ There is something about the excitement that comes and races through the body when you have great conversation with your lover, your friend, you husband. I will miss you across from the table or beside me on the couch and bed. It is how you are looked at, the voice you hear, the history of your intimacies. How you are with one another. Poof! An not again, only in memory.
But I would not want to see again the stages of suffering. Something I had no way to control or make better! There was and is not no magic wands to wave it all away. We did not have to talk about it our connection to one another knew it all. We saw it in our eyes, and neither of us dared to cry at the possible outcomes. Nothing would change the outcome. We had survived threats to life more than this last time. But this time? There was no turning back. I was grateful it was not worse for you. But I was there, and there is comfort in that but I can see it. I saw no suffering, just you releasing yourself to death. I still feel you in my head and heart. We laughed over metamorphosing as we aged, when in our heads and hearts we remain young. This is true of anyone! To be loved as I have been? Amazing!
Now, I face how to be me alone without you. Dearest, dearest Thomas. We had twenty-two years! I will be ok. I want another life time with you! Will you wait for that adventure? How does it work? Where are you and what are you doing? I love you!
So what will life look like without you? It’s been 5 months. What can I foresee? There is always being “Mom and Grammie, and Great Grammie now! That is a given. A chance to pass things on to your children, and their children, A time to see what they do with their lives. A time to teach without others realizing what your teaching; a time to plant seeds and let them grow. A time to listen and give of ones self. I foresee these thing as continuing on.
I see me as the artist, Shibuiest, developer and researcher, the poet and writer. And figuring out just when I can do what with my focus, For now it is all about self, and Shibui! So that I may help people. Something I have dreamed of doing since I was in my early 20’s! Falling in love with psychology, logic, behavior sciences, philosophy and physics. Learning! LOL You loved to learn too! And my love of writing and poetry. Story telling. With stories there is much to be learned. It has always been painting as the artist or painting with words. I believe being an artist is a very important role! Just look at what artist have done and still do. Many who could do many things, do not find their way, as they are held back seemingly by others and self. All it takes is questions, and building upon what you want to do. Somewhere you will find others who will believe in you, or see your vision. They need to see your commitment and consistency first. So this is what I will do. Not as we had planned both of us in the studio. Or out in the world doing art. Though you are always with me, you are also not. To touch you is only in my dreams. I know you believed in me. You said I should be an engineer! I would love that! Unless I can stretch time and age I wont be able to do it all. I must pick my poison. Life without you___the things that will trigger me? Whatever they are will come out of the blue. These are reminders of me and you, and the tears are telling of how much you meant to me.
I will being a gamer with you! The hours of Aion, where we could fly, find and be on an adventure. Where we got into it bad enough we would call money “Qinna”… Your loved to say“Aspra-la;umbra my friend!” It sounded like that. We had a good life my dear friend, my darling. And I adore and love you! Your, Pejj
Pejj Nunes 2/23.2021