Forgiveness is something that unfolds. It is imperative to happiness. It is often a struggle to have this seemingly elusive thing! It is a frustrating argument within.
I like many others have wrestled too long to understand what forgiveness is, and how to do it. It is imperative to the letting go process of what hurts and angers people.
What I did was let go of trying to forgive. That didn’t help either. I stepped outside of myself and tried to look at those who hurt me in what I called general ways. Using the “If I can feel this way, someone else can/does too. Can I find that in the people I am hurt and angered by. I also tried to look at my own role, my words, and actions, my response to “them”. This helped bring me to conclusions I could live with. But it did not take away the reasoning of why I was still hurt. Years went by. My hurt and anger were from a failed relationship, and my husband’s hurt and anger made him continue to respond to me in dysfunctional ways. I can put it this way now. It was abuse. He did what he did. Kids are always a deeply emotional part of things. Being a Mom I can speak to this. I like many women I was left to guess about my ex’s feelings. I responded to what filtered back to me. I was no longer a part of his life. Life went on without me. Nothing got solved, we did not communicate anymore after the divorce than we did when we were married.
Time gives insights. Children get older and have their own children and their own insights. When we are part of a family unit there are moments in time we grab where we can show love to one another, have good times, etc.
When you divorce, the reason for that hurt and anger is that “some how” A marriage has failed to be all one had dreamed it could be. We met and_____. Marriage is commitment. An investment of our time, of giving of ourselves____so we believe. It should be seen like that by both individuals. The argument is not everyone gives “their all”. Keeping in mind how daily life plays out____giving ones all gets funky. We wade through our responses and set them aside simply to live and have a good day. We don’t always think about what it takes because there is a lack of time. Having time? I was to learn a farm wife & husband has little time. It was all about work for my ex. I felt I understood this, and wanted to be compassionate in my feelings. However, I found myself alone and not being able to fill my time with being productive as a writer or artist. I had wanted to go to art school before marriage. The ex first told me “Me or school!” I basically said, school! He changed his mind with the promise to help me learn to drive, get a car, and I could do art school. Never happened until much later! Then what happened is an already bad marriage fell apart. Both of us were hurt and angry. Bad things happened and made things far worse. Nothing got resolved.
Forgiveness? I felt I did not have to forget the “bad things said and done.” That I had every right to hold him accountable for his words and actions.
The thing is there is more to all of us! The why we are as we are, why we feel as we do, why we think as we do involves a great deal more! And it is a part of the mix. Self belief which affects the whole body is in the mix. And there we are with who we are. The next thought? Until anyone sees the need to change what they believe is uniquely up to them. We are responsible for just ourselves. This is why letting go is a big deal. A must for our own sanity! For our own well-being. Its normal to be hurt and angry after really bad or lost experiences. However, holding on to that monster in the head, is not healthy. It eats away at both our mental and physical health.
Forgiveness I am learning is for both or all involved in the experiences had. It’s knowing that thoughts are triggered and retriggered and the whole body responds each time. It becomes an unending cycle. Changing how we respond is the only thing we can do to be truly happy. We can’t fix anyone else. We should not waste our lives to understand absolutely everything!
We affect others by being present. Whatever relationships we want to have, it’s up to us to build them, that often takes time because we are not all on the same page at the same time! AKA the learning curve of living life.
I came to the conclusion I could feel sorry for certain things. It does take two people_____. Being sorry is a form of forgiveness. My anger came from feeling I was the only one trying! The honest true is I have no clue of how my ex felt. That was something that he was responsible for. I told him my feelings so he could understand me. He responded not knowing how to respond most times. I did my best. And if this is true for me it is true for him. He did according to what he knew.
If we can’t trust, have respect, and show love. There are reasons for that.
I will continue to sort out what forgiveness is, and what it means for me. But I won’t wait for it to happen for my own benefit.
Best wishes! Pejj