We all think about happiness. “What makes me happy?” Is the one question we all want an answer to at some level. We need to feel happiness.
Feeling happy became a focus after Thomas died. Suddenly single yes, missing Thomas yes_____. But even when Thomas was there and we were s couple we had touched on something important. Within our relationship, we acknowledge to each other that we were individual people. This was important to us. We would say “One to be two, two to be one!” This acknowledgment between us has made it easier to move forward. You see, I was a part of being a couple, but I retained who I was within our relationship. There are so many topics we explored such as this, and I am grateful for it!
There are things that trigger insecurities as you get older. Losing Thomas brought this reality to a peak. However, I felt I could not crumble or give up. Thomas’ supportive role in our marriage taught me many things. I learned to be confident in who I am at a gut level, no matter my emotional triggers. I understood the triggers and certainly did not like them. People really listening means a lot, and that’s emotional. I was not always heard growing up, but Thomas changed that. I became accustomed to his response to me. It did become a fear that I would lose ground being older, being without Thomas. I concluded I have to be present with myself and think about what I want life to be like, I have to reach out! Thomas and I were self-contained….happy as clams, then Poof! We had been two artists, he had the day job as I worked at being the artist.
That first year was a rollercoaster ride. My reaction was this need to just be present with myself. I didn’t want to take in opinions about what mourning my loss was. I wanted that to be just me unless I reached out to someone. Friends I hold dear did not and still don’t hear from me unless I do reach out. It feels like I am doing this self-retreat. Not unlike the book “Eat, Love, Pray”….the difference I could not afford to travel to Italy or Bali______. Go to a place and learn meditation. I our home, a home I needed to pack up so I could sell it! Part of that rollercoaster ride.
It is now 2 years and 5 months since Thomas died. The seriousness of what I want my life to be is ever-present. I am closer to being done with the house. I have had to pivot several times. I am still ironing out the goals.
I returned to Rhode Island for Christmas and will return to Maine after Valentine’s Day When the kids go back to school. It was important to take a break and be with family for the holidays, and it felt good to support Jacobie, my daughter. Touch base with the plans to sell and wrap up the house.
Having time I decided I would research what happiness is, and this lead to what forgiveness is. I have been unclear about what forgiveness means. My marriage to the kid’s Dad was a difficult and dysfunctional one. I have spent time trying to understand what happened. Have made some positive conclusions. But I failed for years to let go of what happened because I wanted to understand and did not know how to forgive. Recently I came to a point where I did not know how to feel happy afterward. Years went by. It was like something was wrong with me if I showed I was happy despite everything. I even felt it would hurt my children to see me as a happy person! This affected how I interacted with them. Instead of having fun I just sat and observed having a need to soak them up as if they would disappear! Oh, we did things, but I was not fully present. And so they have responded to me. It likely made them feel they had to take sides. I think they saw me as a fragile person. I avoided being in the same space with my ex…To solve issues you do need to be in the same space! Or it becomes a guessing game for me, and my ex.
He, Bill has no clue about any of the revelations I have had about what happened to us. That link will always be there, we had kids together. There was a friendship there. I had invested/committed to our marriage. It should hurt when you leave such a commitment. I had wanted it to work! What happened got totally out of hand for both of us.
I will explore more of my thoughts. Perhaps doing so will help others. Best wishes! Be happy! Pejj