This window reminds me of the windows of my childhood home. The way the sun could come into the upper Dorma windows. The sun came in brighter in those windows being higher up in that old two-family house. There was something unique about that house, far from perfect____it felt like it was alive, and simply needed to be loved for what it was. The home of many people over time. We were the latest, now it belongs to my daughter, and they will be making drastic changes to it. They plan to take away a section of it. It needs that kind of change at this point. They, my daughter, and her husband are young enough to do it. It needed younger people to keep it from total decay. It has a nice metal roof now.
Time moves us all forward, things change. And here we are beginning the new year 2022. I feel excited about moving forward and finding what this year has to offer me. I had imagined that things would evolve after Thomas died. Not sure of how, but giving myself time to process his loss was wise. Thoughts come up, of course, they always will. I know they will pass. Recently, I went “up north” to see family, and this is a trigger for me due to my past experience with my ex. This too passes. The things that trigger old thoughts need to be seen for what they are. And at times it can be a bit of a struggle to get back to your present state of mind. Changing the topic on the mind, knowing you know the topic inside out, with an in-depth familiarity, that there is nothing more you can bring to it, nor change it. So why beat yourself up more. I got past it years ago, and resent temporarily for popping up. The thing is that this is how the mind works. It recalls our emotions, our words, and actions; our history of experience. I recently read an article about the mind predicting, and how it uses this history to predict from. Well, The only way to let go of the past is to create a new history. Living life in new ways. I finally got that and lived a good life, learning more as I went along. I felt my best about my life while living with Thomas. I am grateful for my life with Thomas.
New chapters ahead. This time is a chance to be the writer and artist. I do not have to work in any other way, things are covered. There is a freedom that comes with being the age I am now, that was not felt being younger. There are unwanted freedoms with the death of a spouse but there you are! More time is one of them. Figuring out what to do with that time is one of the first things you wrestle with. Nothing to feel guilty about, if guilt is part of the confusion. I was independently who I am within our marriage, as was Tom. He supported whatever I wanted to do. That was and is an important factor. I know what I need to do because I was doing it. I made many of the decisions financially, bringing him on board, asking his opinions. He had given me that lead. I had the time, and we did things, made decisions with togetherness so he was happy and comfortable with me taking the lead. He took the lead as ideas came to him and we would develop plans of action. The point is I may no longer have his physical support and ideas. But I do know very well what he would support. He would tell me to trust myself. He would also tell me “You could have been an engineer!” LOL ____that, “you have very good well thought out ideas.” I remember his compliments. In these thoughts there is encouragement and knowing that I will be ok. I simply need to take care of me.
I do not believe being older has to stop me from being all I am! Or what I can be. It is not living life to think or be any other way. We admire the older people who do stand out. And why have they stood out? Because they were all they wanted to become. They did not lose their zest for life! They embraced who they were. They did not treat their aging like it was an ending. Sure the body gets old. We all die. But there is more after, we are on to whatever comes next. That is continued life is it not? The chance to learn and live more! But while here? What can one impart? What can one make a difference with? Or in? Can we make something better? And really leave something good behind? People need hope and they need dreams. I still do! These are laced with lots of love! Self-love.
Today I pulled three cards from Michael A SInger’s 52 card deck. (Quotes) The one I loved pulling was “Enthusiasm, joy, and love: If you can feel that all the time, then who cares what happens outside?” I will keep mulling this over. The next card? “Let go. No matter what it is, let go.” The last? “If you are living every experience fully, then death doesn’t take anything from you.” I love these cards as they take me out into the thoughts I cherish and which ring true for me! In pulling three and mulling them over I give my mind a new history to draw upon. May you all find new ways to change things up!