Good Morning Sunshine, Patience.
Just some thoughts. “Patience shows intelligence, it is said. We keep wanting to do something, move ahead, and do and plan, and insist on things happening. But E. Stanley Jones said, “The streams that turn the machinery of the world takes their rise in silent places.” Power comes from the deep silence we sometimes must experience before we can gain enough momentum to move ahead in our living.”
“Patience is never dormant, but a very definite action that provides the blueprint for action, dimension, direction, and fortitude to go farther than we ever dreamed possible. The earth is moving, but we cannot see it, patience. It is doing its perfect work, and we cannot see that either. But we will see the changes taking place in our own natures.” Joyce Hifler, All Rivers Run To The Sea.
Patience with the self is not an easy gambit. Too often it seems to be about being in control or wanting to be in control. I admit I like feeling in control of my world, in that I am not different than anyone. Often having control means having control of the self, or the desire to affect someone that they understand what we are about. This thought hits home at this time as I wrestle with the feelings I have. I work to have patience with myself, so I am not overwhelmed. The expectation begins as this is something you get past. Only to learn, apparently it is not that simple. Giving myself a year to feel has helped. But now I am feeling impatient. Likely this is the next phase as I move into the second year of losing Thomas.
It feels like this great need to focus on yourself, your feelings so you can get to a point where life will make sense again. You need to find the bottom line. My life has been full of traumatic things, like many other people. The trauma catches up with you and you deal with it, and set it aside, and it crops up again, in the mix of all else. More to the point is sorting it out so you are “good”. I came to realize I have not dealt with other feelings of loss. The deaths of both parents, in the mix of Thomas illness. My mother’s death was very hard on me, and I closed out feelings I should not have had to, and have not really mourned her. Rationalizing shock is not grieving. My father, feelings about him involved much anger, which I shelved as well. I needed to focus on Tom. My father failed to get help for my mother, she died and his actions may have made a difference if he had called for help. It was hard to make sense of all that happened regarding my mother’s death. I don’t want this to take on new life. What I really want is to begin working again with the Shibui and writing.
It’s been hard to simply feel feelings in the past due to family drama from childhood on. So having patience with myself. Listening to my needs has been very important. It’s a bit of a roller coaster ride.
I am trying to have patience with myself. I fluctuate between being ok with the process of taking care of myself, and feeling like I should be reaching out to friends and family. However, I know me. In the past, my desire has always had me helping others or being a caregiver for others. Taking care of me has been clunky. But I am doing it this time. I must. I felt better when I read what others have said about their own grieving processes. You can get overwhelmed by well-intending friends and family I am reading about this. They all mean well and love you. When it’s your partner I think it is the fact that it is such an intimate thing that was between you and him, or her and you___ That you come to feel others can’t really get it. They were not a part of your relationship, so how could they? And some things that get said don’t fit the reality you have. When this happens you don’t have patience with others, and you feel overwhelmed so you avoid conversations___. You feel like I haven’t even sorted this out! And your saying____? It’s like overload. This grieving thing simply needs to be sorted out by the person grieving___mostly. I find I am mostly feeling ok, but I get hit. Having patience with myself when I feel heavy and simply stopping to just be present___and feel successful? I am managing to do this and am surprised to feel I am doing well. Paying attention to myself has been key. I hope these thoughts can help others who experience loss.
I feel if I had just kept on being the other me? I would not be feeling as I am now. I can’t overthink what I should be doing, should have done, is it right to do this or not do that____. That is when you get into feeling overwhelmed.
If I am to do the things I must do to move forward this is the only way I know to do it. It doesn’t mean I am not interested in life, my family, and my friends. All are as dear to be as ever! Having patience enough to not find yourself with things that lead to being overwhelmed like the I should do this or should have done that___.
For me, writing has helped me so much! Thoughts, feelings get worked out and explored. I have patience with myself. And this has let me move into working on art at times. And feeling like I can do this! And work through daily tasks. Yes! It’s a shock when it comes down to it being just you to do things. And it takes time to do things and not be overwhelmed.
I think it important to let things become ok. Realize you don’t have to b superwoman or super man____you don’t have to do it all! Or get past “it” overnight. From what I read it just softens. And your able to deal with it. I have come to think of it as: The hurt simply tells me how much I love and miss Tom.
Taking care of the physical self is also clunky as much as taking care of the mental self. It is like there is not enough time in a day to do things. Not a new feeling at all. The thing to realize is to be consistent. It will add up and make a difference.
Not sure how well-written this one is. Just off the cuff. I was thinking about the word patience. I realized how it has been a struggle to have patience with myself, and how feeling like I have that at this time is something I marvel at. It took a long time to get to this point where I have put myself first to deal with myself so I can be there for others again, at some point.
Being a caregiver sets you up in a mode of sorts, where you set feelings aside cause you have to do what you have to do.
I envy you a little bit, …you create beautiful with words and the brush (?) 🙂
Awww! Thank you ever so much, I am compelled to write or do art, It has always felt like I paint with words or I paint or draw etc, And now at 66 I really want to pull something special off. That is why I think writing the manual on Shibui is a good project so anyone can do it, And to write the children’s book and poetry book, seek publication. Tom’s death makes you realize life has its own ideas. Writing is helping me express this time. So I can cry. If I need to anyway. But I can draw on the feelings. It has made me realize my grief is more than Tom’s death but my mothers death which I did not really process, And there i anger towards my father who failed to get her the help she needed. She had a stroke prior and had come of it because of the care she received right away. So he was aware of the need to get help. He had to be aware! The process to come back. Their habit is to have coffee earlier in the morning. Dad got fires going and made coffee like 6 am. They were suppose to go to my ex’s for dinner. He calls them at noon time and says “We wont be up, you know how your mother was ____well she is doing that again___my daughters flew down, they could not believe how casual he was! Both were CNA’s at the time. Mom died shortly after I got to the hospital of a hemeragic stroke. It feels so unbelievable. He made a mess of her funeral. A lot of dysfunction around that group of family. My older daughter and I generally are not a part of it. But this was Mom. I could not go to his funeral, My year long retreat for self has been about allowing myself to feel my feelings of grief. You can not change things. I had to be my own influence with this, and reach out as I could. I feel I made the right decisions. friends and family mean well, but this has been a most intimate experience because of the kind of relationship Tom and I had. I think it was quite rare, and beautiful, I have had something special. That gives a great deal of strength. To know how well loved I have been. There are lessons in there, in that experience. Holding the sadness tenderly in my heart came from a Micheal A Singer book The untethered soul. What a beautiful thought. Something I could do and feel. And so I will for Mom too. If she gets her hands on Dad I hope she has a rolling pen! LOL If we do that life review thing I hope he now understands the pain h has created, and can be sorry. The same for my ex. It is what we learn and how we take it away with us I think that is most important. Thank you again.
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I wanted to answer you … but it’s unnecessary. Please imagine our hot chicory coffee with milk, a wicker armchair, late summer sunshine in the garden … and I’ll listen and nod to you … sure, that’s right …
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I love that! Chicory you say! I need to try that! Hot chicory coffee. I love the wild chicory flowers. They are so beautiful! Their roots can be rather evasive. And somewhere someone decided to use the roots as a substitute for coffee.
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