“There are times when my spirit escapes the world completely and soars above the earth’s atmosphere to where unlimited freedom exists____It soars where the morning sun ripens from pink to gold____to where the gull escapes the green tinge of the sea below.” My heart remembers these feelings. And then I think, “This a good thing!”
“My spirit soars to lunar heights where Job’s stars sang together at dawn_____but then. Sometimes it becomes dull. Covered over with smoke and dust of idleness_____weighted down with weariness and apathy and ugliness____but worse than any of these____hopelessness.” This is exactly what the struggle is during a time of grief, and it’s more than these things______. But there is another kind or type of feeling weighted down. I keep trying to figure this feeling out. It has to do with the loss of Tom of course. Perhaps when you untangle from someone who has meant what Tom has to me, perhaps that is what feels so heavy. It is sadness. It’s like giving up a very special, cherished sweater you have had all your life! The kind with all the holes, but it’s beyond comfortable still, it’s done everything with you! I am not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me. This is the comfort of being with Tom. If I am to slip it off from time to time, as I try on a new one of my own_____well it needs a special place to stay in when I try on that new one.
“Then something happens to change its direction____not some outside influence____but the spirit within was ready to soar again____ready on its own, and it merely opened up and received nourishment or illumination to soar again____this time even higher and all I remember is that each time it lifts up____it remains on a higher level____.” There are times I feel like this. And you think “It’s happening! It is, you feel like you are moving forward. But then you get bombarded. Whoever said, “It softens.” Has it right. That is what it feels like. It seems the thing is, that you come to know you might get broadsided; and you need to know it will pass.” It reminds me of being pregnant or some stages of menopause I have read about. My mind wants to solve it like it is a Shibui. But that is not how this works. To do come to terms with these feelings___this time means really coming to terms with the things that deeply hurt. It is such an intimate thing to lose someone you love. My biggest struggling is how to relax so I can truly feel fully. Not blocking. It’s a different feeling in your heart when you don’t block your feelings. You feel lighter, your heart feels lighter. Writing has been what allows the feelings to come forward and release.
“I need only to know that no matter if it glides downward again____I know now that it can shake off the negative attitudes and fly again to even greater heights and more freedom than ever before. ” Joyce Hifler, All Rivers Run To The Sea.”