The prose of Death.
I’ve seen you in the morning light, and watched your sleeping face. And now I have seen you when you will wake no more. I thought, and dared not cry, or show my fearful feelings___. Not my body. I could not feel. Nor take this away! No, I did not feel the lungs that turned to leather. Oxygen could not abide. Less, and less, and less and then the machine. Tubes that trailed behind you everywhere and you hated this! The tortuous rehab to test where you were at. It made it worse! I waited for you to talk about this, and gratefully it never came. Your focus was not yourself, always just, always just me___. Time with you went way too fast love! Limbo land. Then one day “it” happened, coughing, too great to stop! Then x-rays and we were told___3 to 5years___it would depend, Now overwhelming coughing, this is when I did see the fear on your eyed____. And so my darling it was a time for us to never say goodbye, My watchful caregiver hat went on. Spending time together___. Was so important. Yet times I needed to be alone, and feel. Fearing you would catch me with tears on my face. Newly retired, it was supposed to be just us in the studio__. Travel, being Grammie and Grampy Tom. Poof! Gone, Hard to watch someone you love die, yet it could have been worse. All we could do was be strong, and watch, and be there! I think you too had to be by yourself. I wondered if you cried. The awful surprise? The better way to die? Your heart just stopped. It simply stopped. Before it stopped I leaned you against me. I kissed your cheek, and waited for the ambulance. They asked you questions, you really could not answer. I saw you look upward, just before you slumped over. And then you were gone! They tried to access you. Their job. Rather this, than far worse___ slow fearful death alone. That I feel I might never have recovered from to see you suffer. Unable to breathe, comfort care to help you die___Morphine. Useless machines plugged in to you, you away from me! Your body did a perfect thing, it just stopped, you just stopped.
Note: I am ok. Writing about the experience to be able to let go of thoughts.