Good Morning Sunshine!
The sky is blue out there and I am pleased with it! Black coffee, and I am good to write! I shall put the glasses on, and then see what Joyce Hifler’s book Pathway has to offer as food for thought.
“A normal amount of fear keeps us from jumping off the deep end on a lot of things.” Hmmmmm. I can see this is true! It’s not good if we do not pause, “think before we leap!” “Wish I never said that!”
The fear of hurting others’ feelings, or starting an argument. This kind of fear I think is different than facing a tiger! Ir more about taking actions we will regret.
Hifler continues this train of thought. “I would not be so much like you, or you like anyone else if we did not get wild-eyed once in a while. Anyone who has no fear at all is usually prone to a little foolishness.___A normal amount of fear keeps us from jumping off the deep end on a lot of things. It balances out the bravado we suppose ourselves to possess. But it is when we are suddenly afraid without explanation that shakes our foundations. To awaken with a pounding heart and shaky knees, unaware of what sound has disturbed us or what dream has shaken us. When we understand it and know what has caused the fear, we can control the response.___We remember when fear knocks at the door and faith goes to answer it_there is no one there!
There are things we fear, and I think it is not always easy to admit we are afraid of things, uncertain of things. We avoid what we fear. It doesn’t even have to be a big thing! And in you, there are many reasons to seemingly justify not taking action or just doing it. Often we regret not doing things when we the change was before us.
One of my fears at this time has been reaching out to people. The voice in my head asks, “Are you really ready?” The more logical voice says “Ready for what? This is procrastination!” Then I think why? My answer has been the heaviness, and not wanting to cry or to start some emotional landslide. I have at least come to this point in understanding. Writing has helped the cogs in my head to turn. I know that this is a part of grieving. But grieving should come to some stable point. What one reads is does not end, you will always miss someone. But the idea of always getting hit out of the blue seems concerning. I think this is because we like to have control or I do in this case of myself. There is a private side. But the thing has had me focused on the self, that I understand it. I have learned this is normal, and that has helped. What well-meaning others say___and mostly they do not know what to say___but they do want to bring you comfort. But saying something that suggests, that “this will pass magically” or all the other things that can be said. I like others grieving could not bare to hear it “one more time!” So in part stepping back to self really is about just having your own thoughts, no one else s to “shout at you” what this is all about. This and others do not know you, it can feel like they think they do, they do not know the person who died. You run into people who think they do know you both and say things accordingly. For me, this felt overwhelming to let other thoughts get in my head when I wanted just to unplug from Tom.
Thomas and I enjoyed being entangled with one another. It was such a pleasure to know him. For me, he was like all the Winnie the Pooh characters rolled in one and I was Christopher Robin. Thomas had ADHD. Our relationship worked well, many spouses of ADHD people do not have an easy time. Thomas was a hyper-focused person, but could certainly be distracted easily. It worked for me to know and find what he wanted. LOL. When he did not hyper-focus on something negative, I was there for his balance, I gave him what he needed to come to a point of understanding, and his better conclusions, Because of my calmness, and incites it all worked and Thomas could relax about this side of who he was. I would help him backtrack, and was the sounding board. Untangling from the complexities of a relationship takes time. Thomas was Thomas and was the only one I had to consider according to who he was. His death took away so many things.
You do not know what will crop up. Not all things are major things you should deal with. Some things are simple things to honor about the other person. To savor those memories. There are things you do wish were different. There is no chance of changing anything, so it is fruitless to think long on these matters. “The if only’s” I am good with that one. I am good because Tom and I talked over such things. Often conversations ran the gauntlet to all nu-ounces.
The state of being overwhelmed is scary, the concern is you might not handle something well. That somehow there will be this big meltdown. There hasn’t been one. My instinct says, “not likely.”
Disentangling from being loved. When in a relationship love is there to be shown through words and actions. This all stops and is memories when someone dies. Just what to do with your feelings is the matter at hand. Letting go of someone is the process. This takes time. Being love, feeling love___those things left with Thomas. There are fears that can filter in. And that is not being loved or not wanting to love again. We do need other people. Tom was Tom. But to imagine someone else? You let that sit, and it’s ok, at some point in time it will feel ok to move into life in that way. It is a scary idea! I would hope maturity would win out as part of the mix. That basically dating will be a very different experience. To even entertain such thoughts must mean I have reached past into another phase of letting go. Am I untangled to that degree?
I think I have come to a point where I can focus on revenue streams, art, and writing. And even reaching out to people. You do worry about offending friends you care deeply about. But this one time I could not take them on the ride. I needed to understand myself, and simply take care of me, not really knowing how but feeling my way forward. There is no right or wrong to this! One has to be easy on themselves and not bring in extra things to think of. Clarity is what the goal is, and it’s a bumpy ride.
I feel I had to find my own words to express this. This is how I function. I don’t like to discuss important “to me” things unless I have sorted them out somewhat first. With this? I had let Thomas in and no longer protected my heart from the same hurt experienced in my first marriage. We had so much trust, belief in, respect for each other. Now he was gone! No one is there to respond to, and yet there are those who love you, family, and friends. And they check in on you. And you relate to them. In the beginning, it may feel a bit surreal___And then there are the others. I had a daughter, and son, a brother, and his family who did not come to the funeral. This was something I had a hard time with. And resented. It means setting boundaries at a time when you shouldn’t have to do so. My middle daughter had said she would be down, instead went on a hike and celebrated her birthday. I have no clue about my brother, his family. It may have been during Covid___but time on the phone, etc. No flowers, cards. So this was in the mix. My middle girl’s behavior, my sons, and brothers, and family is nothing new. I had hoped that things would be different for this. This lack of respect and love hurt. It is too late now! A lot to digest. My dearest Jacobie has been my rock! Her kids are wonderful and we make a very close family. I am Grammy to each of her children and loved. Most important Tom was too.
I hope this will help others with their own experience. Know we are all different. Things that come into play and how we understand them is different than others, as there are many relatable things too. If you are to move forward, you must not be afraid to examine things about this time of grief. For me, I had to do this alone because it was personal as it is for anyone. It is the intimacy you are disentangling from; a private world you had with someone you loved. There are no rules on how to do this. And you can not let the voice in your head rule the day and keep you down.