A secret Life? Feels that way.
It dawned on me at the time of Tom’s death, two of my children have no real clue of what I do as a person. Daughter Jacobie who comes much more often, who I talk with the most does knows part of it of what I do because I have talked with her that she can understand what I do better, and that I do wear a professional hat. I think she gets because she does Shibui and does crafts. Jacobie is an LPN by day or night. But its rare that she sees me in action. What she sees in the results of my work, and to be fair this is what the other two see as well, when I share my website, or give gifts. I am not seen in the writing mode.
This has made me think about how much do we know about our parents? I have come away feeling I do not know many things. When I think in terms of timelines I can plug in some things that give clues as to who they are and what interest they may have had and even memories of these things. We leave home, come back and forth to visit. But what is it they do when we are not there? Or what is it they do in their jobs. I think as parents we would like our children to be interested in us. But how interested was I? How involved as a family were we? This things are a part of the equation too.
At this time I sit at the desk writing on the laptop, coffee to the right and clutter all around the laptop, a book stand just past the coffee. To extend my small table I have a folding TV stand that I painted Citrus Green! It holds what does not fit on the desk top. At my left there is another small phone stand that at least has a shelf so there are two compartments, small draw to stash things in and it has a top. My pen pal letters go there, so I can crisscross them before putting them in envelops, and so I do not lose my glasses, those lay on top. This perch allows me to hear and see if the mail man or fed x people come or someone comes to the door. It is those others that keep passing by as well.
The studio is a whole other matter when I work in there. When I leave the dining room area I am at work. LOL Now I am in work in the corner of the living room. It’s like that when you work in your own home.
Since Thomas’ death there is a lot more time. Tom vs time____. Not the same. But I do have plenty of time to focus on writing or art. That keeps the mind of the self at this point. Consistency is the answer. Being consistent by doing one or two things, or more. Doing this will avalanche into insensitive to do more. It also get the brain working on what I do. I am happier. Happier not to fall so quickly into thinking of Thomas. My dear sweet Thomas, the love of my life. I think there will always be a part of him within. We were so entangled in who we were with one another. “To to be one, one two be two!”
I am glad that a part of me is more outgoing. This said Thomas and I did not feel a need to get out in the world unless there was some event, appointment or interest. One has to be care to be to content with this, as you wont experience life itself. Books are one thing but they are not the real world, nor is the TV. Nor social media. It will mean reaching out to have a social life.
Writing the blog does improve writing and spelling I feel. And it helps with flow, and processing.