“This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss—something we naturally don’t want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it.
You will probably discover that you need to “dose” yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it.” This makes me feel good, as this is what I have done. You do worry at times if “you’re doing it right!” Even if you believe that there is no right or wrong to this. When someone dies, it is poof! At least after you go through the process of the body leaving home for the last time. That night I began blocking feelings out, simply to make it till morning when my daughter came. I have no idea if I slept or not. I think so. You go through the motions and do what you need to do. I feel a need to be alone at times. I am not because I have my grandson with me due to Covid. I think his being here has helped me a great deal because I have someone with me and I take care of him. I have had a life where Thomas went to work so I had alone time. Living with my grandson gives me a lot of alone time because he does his thing and I do mine. We get together as we do. It reminds me of Tom’s and my time together.
Dosing myself ___ “You will probably discover that you need to “dose” yourself in embracing your pain.” This describes what I do! Makes me feel normal or good about where I am at.
“Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to “carry on” or “keep your chin up.” People do not know how to respond I think.
The other side of things: “If, on the other hand, you remain “strong” and “in control,” you may be congratulated for “doing well” with your grief. Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.” LOL and so this is where I am at. I feel I am doing well, and I wonder what that means? You ask yourself questions like, “Is something wrong with how I am processing this?” You feel like you should be melted, overwhelmingly depress so you can’t even move. Like you should reflect that through how you live a life that it’s now not worth living! You feel you should be dramatic and scream! And instead your not outwardly acting in such a dramatic way. I do feel overwhelmed at times and I feel down. I do not let myself stay in this state where I go deeper into being such feelings. Within us, there is thank God the greater need to survive what we experience. My deeper beliefs sustain me. My love of life and people, my family and friends These are very important and keep us in the present. The fact I am Grammy. I love my children and grandchildren. We love more than one person.
There are things I have survived; cancer, a bad first relationship and the results of “that”.
“I have learned that if we are to heal we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief. Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center.” The quotes are from the following website. https://www.centerforloss.com/2016/12/journey-grief-six-needs-mourning/
The last quote is what I believe I must do. It is why I felt the need to pivot and feel the pain and loss of Tom.
There are days where I don’t feel like doing day-to-day things, but I make sure I do some, I have to anyway with my grandson here! LOL But I do let the housework slide. I could do more. If I don’t find a focus there is that sense of feeling down sometimes. It’s key not to go there and stay too long. I write now more than do art. Writing, exploring my loss. I do this for a period of time so it won’t go “too far.”
I wonder how long these feelings last? What will I be like at the end of another year? If I go for the MFA in Writing will I be successful? I think I know the answer. I will be ok with doing it. I know if I suddenly can’t I can stop and pivot, but I do not see that happening. I think people, myself included do move on. Many people have! I am not the only one to have ever lost someone I love. People move into new relationships. So, life does move on.
Pejj Nunes
10/10/2021
Anisette Studios & Shibui Fine Arts 