Starting out again? After you have lived a life? No, there is always more until we die. More to do, more to give, more to be___. I ask, “Who am I now, without him?” My answer? I am still the independent me I have always been with him. I think, “Two to be one, one to be two.” This is what we said. It had been important to be who we were independently. There is much wisdom in being so. And so it was with us an adventure about “us”. Loving who each other was, was easy, and comfortable. I adored my beloved Thomas with his laughing eyes, his grin____. I felt adored and deeply loved for who I am in return. Our love felt rare and wonderful! So much love and laughter, in the middle of talking about painful things, why life was as it is. We listened and took turns, paid attention to body language. We talked about everything and anything! Is this why I can only find one regret?___(Your not here! That I miss you!) I am allowing myself to feel without the safety net of you. It is like having a car accident happen, your in the middle of the wreckage on the road, yet still ok, patting yourself down, being surprised your still alive! I am ok, I am surviving this. I like the thought that I can let myself feel and hold what hurts tenderly in my heart because it is ok to hurt from this. The focus is how to live now, and have a safe haven mentally and physically where I can be present. I have waited for a Tsunami only to be pushed back upon the beach by a lesser wave to watch the shore. The sky still becomes blue, leaves on trees still turn bright colors, loved ones come and go, I pay the bills, I work in the studio and write, I make plans I can keep. Life continues and I am whole.
“The focus is how to live now, and have a safe haven mentally and physically where I can be present.” … And he who lives in you and can be present.
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Yes! I took the year to just be present with myself, with memories, the hurts, stepping back from other people’s influences some what regarding my thinking. I think what has made a difference with me is how well Thomas and I loved one another. The way we build on our relation ship. The only regret is he died. Where ever he is, he is who he is. I had him for about 25 years, how lucky I was! I love meeting really unique people and he was one of them! So yes, I will miss him. But he is a part of me too. What a lovely path we walked upon.
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