My pen pal wrote he was very interested in the female perspective on life and about nature nurture. I responded with these thoughts. “It is a delight to find someone who likes to take on topics of interest. Your just the ticket. Thomas was my outlet for my interests before. A walking encyclopedia! We talked about anything and everything. The loss of Thomas’ great conversations was why I turned to pen palling. I have always hoped to find someone that likes to tackle topics of interest. The topic of the male perspective interests me. Do share those thoughts. Nature/Nurture too!
When I think of me as a young girl, my beef about being a girl was that I liked the things I saw the boys doing! I did not feel being a girl was so different. Or should be seen as being different. Yet there are differences. However, when it comes to being a human being I don’t think it should be so hard to understand one another if we but only communicated better. Good communication means listening, taking turns to have good conversations and gathering information in about someone or their interests, concerns, etc. We depend on body language, tone of voice, and the messages we get from one another. We base what we believe to be the truest reality on what we take in from conversation and observation. Mixed messages add confusion. Not listening adds to poor information gathering, and assumptions, guessing. My first husband was a prime example I feel. He I feel did not communicate well, and there was a lack of time to have good communication or be together as a couple. I felt I was guessing about how he felt all the time because he did not let me into knowing him. That is what it felt like. He was a farmer and worked long hours. Me with my interests the relationship did not work. His frustrations, and personality made him an angry personality. The marriage need to end. He and I had three children. The relationship made me think a lot about what it means to be male and female, as well as what good communication is. I jumped at the change to take interpersonal communication in my degree program. It I learned had the same concepts I had been writing about. Not a new idea and different terms.
Communication has a lot to do with nature, nurture when it comes to being human.
The concepts of nature nurture signifies the basic responses of human beings; we think, feel and take action regarding those feelings. thinking, feeling, and acting—that humans are said to have naturally. The term is often used to denote the essence of humankind, or what it ‘means’ to be human. This usage has proven to be controversial in that there is dispute as to whether or not such an essence actually exists.
Nature, one train of thought is that we have a sense that we belong to this world and are a part of it and everything. We develop relationships to other humans and animals who are a part of the natural world. Everyone has there own unique experience, depending on who they have a relationship with. There is a need to feel connected. Two results of nature nurture being in a relationship a successful relationships and having failed relationships. Relationships fail because of our words and actions and what we believe as so. We stack up life in terms of pros and cons to get the answers we want, however if this is all we do, we are destine to fail! Because we have the answer we want. Having the answer we want does not mean we have the answer we should have to nurture our relationships. Our self talk is involved and it relies on what we believe to be so. And there we are! All the decisions ever made have a foundation based on who we are as a person, and as a people. Following along and not changing the self, and what is believed as so at that level has us creating all the things out there in the world! Like how we feel about one another.
How do I see myself as a woman? I think of my experiences, and what I have learned from them. That leads me to who I am as a person, and how I have conducted myself over my life time. I am a thinker, philosopher at heart. My parents relationship was the beginning for me. When I went to bed at night what happened was my TV. Essentially until I feel asleep. Children hear what happens in their homes until they do finally go to sleep. They observe the choices parents make. Children decide on what to adopt as a way of being male and female; done through observation of the way parents are, as well their interest and accepted views. When they hit school, the learn of other interest and views; often very different that what is learned from home. We call this life experience.
How to understand what we learn, and if we should accept it as fact is often too late, the ideas get planted. The mind works a lot like the word association game and the pro and con game. Discerning what is the truest reality is important for a happy life. Over thinking things a real life issue. This is also a part of nature/nurture. Making the choice of what to mentally nurture.
Bashing the opposite sex is not the answer. Building respect, trust, belief in the other human being is vital. Then you can have real love no matter if that person is a partner or friend, sibling. Far too often we fail to take time for our relationships, because as human beings we lack time. Everything we do is measured in time. And because we accept a society that works the hours it does, there is no time for us as human beings to nurture or to be have the nature of being a human as one of importance. We exist, and not well.
We paint ourselves into corners with how we believe, and we paint ourselves in corners because of our anger and hurt because we justify it. That is nature. We don’t realize the importance of changing this, it would be a hard thing to not feel hate, hurt, and anger. The lose of people we love, their being affected by really rotten ugly savage things! That gives us cause___ And instead of finding a middle ground we don’t. We make laws that really do not solve anything. We seek ways to punish others refusing them of our nurturing. The way were are seems to be destroying us, and we are very creative with how we might punish others who we deem “different than us!” We do not treat each other with the same dignity nor do we make allowances for an other’s learning curve. We judge things as right or wrong. Passing cart blanc judgments is not looking at the real problem of how to live life well. How to change things? The world is so big that it needs to start at the root, in our homes, and with each of us. When we set boundaries about who we are, other people run into us, and when they do the respond, and accept who we are and what we believe in, or they may choose not to respond. Societies, cultures, people are very complex. But they are influenced. If enough people make their own changes this is when it becomes a norm.
I loved becoming the mother. There is nothing like bonding with your babies. I was worried when I gave birth to my son Stephen, that somehow I would not know enough of what it is to be male. Like other women I thought that this was the role of both father and mother. But how would I understand it. I was curious, and would have like the kids Dad to be the one to enlighten me about any differences between being a “girl” and a “boy”. Bill did not know how to respond. But Thomas did, I will try to recall the things Thomas said. Basically we concluded that communications was very important. But it took trust, respect and belief to be present for people to share things about themselves, male or female. We felt that “it” should be more about being human beings that gender. Yet gender can’t be ignored. Culture is a part of the equation too. We tend to go with where we live, and with what we agree on that makes sense to us due to where we live. We observe, take in, and adapt how we communicate and convey the things we like and dislike, opinion and feelings.
I think that when we start to examine what it is to be male and female that we are more alike in mind, that physically different. Mothers influence their sons, and daughters. The role of a mother is vital; it is a very serious undertaking when you think of all the things there are to teach your children. Ideally it would be great that one parent or the other stay home or work at home to impart things their children should know. I think a father can do the same as a mother about many things a child needs to know even if he does not know some things about being female. If he can have honest dialog with a women then he will understand how to talk about being a women. And a women if she understood about being male she can impart that. The things that are different are physical things, that are different form mental things.
Thomas and I talked for hours, and we became very comfortable with talking about everything. It included being who we are. And we shared things about each other. Things that don’t get shared.
Things like when a woman is having a great conversation her breast tingle. This is a part of simply being excited, its only sexual when its with a partner that turns on more buttons. The nipples are not the only things that get kicked in. Maybe this is why women and men like to flirt or do flirt. I think its not apart of what we talk about in case it gits misconstrued as being a sexual thing. Having a nice glass of wine can do the same thing. It’s the body and what triggers the mind. Some things can even be orgasmic especially with a partner your in-tune with. If your especially in tune a touch can be fireworks. I have not had this dialog with other women to know more about this. A phenomenon? Or is it something woman wish to keep to themselves because to admit it you would want it to be private, to be known by someone who you can trust, believe in and respect and with someone you love and are in a relationship with.
At this point in life, with Thomas gone, being single. I wonder about what a new relationship might be, or if I will ever find someone. Thomas and my relationship was such that I would want a relationship that was something like it, but would challenge me in new ways. Being 66? I don’t know about what happens at this point. I do wonder how someone my age will be like; how they will think about their maleness and my femaleness. Are there other good communicators out there? LOL I do think so. How do you find interesting and nice guys? This is an example of what women think and I don’t find it different that what a guy thinks.
Because I loved who Thomas was I did think about nurturing him as a person. Being loving and kind to him mattered. I loved that he would do things for me. His doing for me, made me want to do things for him! Things like that deepen feelings.
Getting older and going funky does not matter the same as when your younger. You accept each other for who each of you are. Your concern is more on being healthy. And if you can’t have the sex life you used to who you are, how you have been to each other is what comes forward. The physical erotic feeling are still with just a kiss and touch for a women. If a male partner does not understand this and believes it all has to be this energetic physical things the are missing out on something special. Tantra___ through touch and holding your loved ones. By making someone feel loved is key to fireworks. Communication is key to so many things. It is when we don’t learn to do it well, and when we don’t feel we can be open about being male and female we close up feeling the need to protect our selves. And when we do foolish hurtful things it is reaffirmed that we can’ trust and share. The really lousy thinks like being raped female or male____ verbal abuse and physical abuse done by a male or female towards a supposed loved one. This is wrong and I think done by men or women who do not have good communication skill. They are running or hurt, angry feelings taken to an extreme. They are going with those feelings because they stack up the pros and cons that validate their reasons for striking out. It takes just a thought to become action. Women lash out as well as men. There is a reason why both sexes feel as they do. Nothing changes if it doesn’t get talked about.”
I would love to get opinions about how others feel as well. What thoughts do you have about being male or female? How important is gender? What are your thought on how we communicate, and how it affects our relationships, our feelings, etc?
Pejj Nunes
9/29/2021
Anisette Studios & Shibui Fine Arts 