“Life is sometimes interrupted in the way that a room is when wind thrust opens the shutters and fills it with fresh air and a bit of new living.” Joyce Hifler.
This is a positive thought, now the next thought.” Some outside force must push its way into our lives or we might go on forever living in musty attics and dark undeveloped minds.”
This last bit___its something I have not ever wanted for myself, to live life and “go on forever living in musty attics” and to have a “dark undeveloped” mind. It has surprised me to see this sentence, to find something kin to my own thoughts is a pleasant little surprise. The one thing I love about reading; new ways to express an exact thought.
When Thomas died thought much like this one came to mind. More on the lines of becoming stuck in a depressed way of being, and becoming stagnant. .
I had survived depression, due to life being full of negative things before. Being such a survivor; having life become very good! I did not want to go there if that was a possibility. Thomas being who he was had made my life rich, full of love and laughter. I do think it was a normal reaction to losing Thomas to death.
Suddenly being single means your on your own again. Yes, you do have family thank goodness! But your in your home alone, there is no one to share all the things you did share with. Poof! That is the striking part of losing your partner.
There are the things I know about myself that give me self confidence no matter if there are those moments of panic. I know to check in with myself. All the successes I have had with “things”( what we think or do) also give self confidence. One habit I have always had is to check in on myself, how I feel, and how my body feels.
When Thomas died I needed to “go quiet”. I needed to give myself time to process the lose of him. We had been married for 22 years. No nearly long enough! LOL But we did not know each other earlier in life. One thing in particular I loved about Thomas was that we had many great conversations; about anything and everything! We loved each others company. Tom was like a walking encyclopedia. If you should take up talking to yourself_____well need I say more? Not that I would. I do have the cat and a teenager who the minute I start conversations with him___well he would retreat when he feels its too long a conversation and not of his interest, watch eyes___they will glaze over. Not a uncommon reaction. Not that we don’t talk. I thought it was good wisdom to begin pen palling when I ran across an article in Poets and Writers. Now I am doing blogging as well! This works well for the times we are in, as well as reaching out to family and friends.
The 28th of September it was 1 year. I am coming out of my quiet mode. I can go there now and find closure, and resolution. I have a plan as I move forward. I am thinking of going for an MFA in writing, something I have always wanted to do. This would help me with my writing project, give me support and a bit of writer community. There is a plus side to being over 65. Tuition is paid for. I just need to solve how to buy books! There are such things as grants and work study. Maybe a small loan to buy what is needed, get a ball park figure of costs. Where there is a will, there is a way!
Thomas death was a specific change in my life. So far the things I have done have helped a great deal. I dealt with Tom’s things. Not wise to not do this for one’s self. His Turnpike clothes, shoes, etc were the first step and I worked my way after. A friend told me to get the free boxes from the post office and begin the process of putting things away I would keep, and things I could pass on pack these things in boxes; there were things that I let go of by throwing out. Thomas did a lot of photo copying. LOL of one thing, of many things. It takes time to do this. I think people may feel guilty, I felt this, but knew I had to do it. It is not being disloyal unless you sell the idea to yourself. I am not going to wear Turnpike clothes or Tom’s shoes! Am I? Getting rid of obvious things first, then things I could pass on__Thomas brother was a no brainer! I could give him family photos and some of the things Tom saved of his parents. That made me feel great! Other things that I have loved because they came from Tom’s parents and were given us as a couple, the things Thomas gave me___these are no brainers and obvious to keep. The thought is I am not getting rid of my beloved Thomas! LOL There is a lot of him here! He was an artist too, there is a huge collection of music and books between us. These things we both love, loved.
Memories will always be in my head and heart. I think that this next year will mean more growth, and it will be a new adventure. I know better how to meditate and reach my peaceful place. I know I want to take new paths! Like moving at some point to be near my daughter and her family. I can be Grammie more often! But I can still be the artist and writer. I will be ok! There is a time to dance! A time to celebrate what was and what will be!