My late husband Thomas and myself fell in love with a particular CD called After The Rain by Erik Satie and Pascal Roge. The CD moved me so much it inspired this image. The image expresses how I felt about they way Thomas loved me. The intensity of being loved so deeply.
After Thomas died, I took a step back just to be with my feelings, and sort out how I wanted life to be without him. September 28th will be one year.
Taking the step back gave me the chance to think about our relationship, and feel it through memories. Being suddenly single is eye opening. I waited for a tsunami of emotions to hit me, but they feel more like waves. I have learned to take time with my sadness and hold it in my heart. It is important to feel this, even if it might hurt and be sad for a period of time. The sadness does not have to drown you, so I have learned. simply because life goes on despite feeling like your standing in the middle of an accident, you find your unharmed but chaos seems all around you. Your the one standing there checking your mind and body for damage because the love of your life just went poof!
Then I read a bit to see what mourning was all about. And some of what I read tells me to expect to be seen in a certain light being older, and it reminds me of when your young and everyone else has babies, and so your out of the circle until you do have babies. Suddenly your the extra person without a partner.
Well! I think being creative will help with how ever I shape and reshape the new path. I want it to be an adventure.
Thomas made life an adventure! We loved each other for who we were, and that was key to fireworks, a lot of love and laughter. I was a lucky lady!
Getting older together; our bodies changed but our minds, feelings, and who were were, who I am has not changed so much, its gotten tweaked here and there. I like to think of it as evolving. Change happens when there is a need to do so.
Being all we are as younger folks is still there when your older. More finessed, more seasoned but still awake. I wonder about if ever there will be someone else. But I am not in any rush, I was told by an elderly charming Italian man years ago now. “Don’t go looking! Let love find you!” It did! Thomas. I know others who did find new partners. But I thinking finding my new self____this is using wisdom. I will be different in my new ways of thinking and being and attract someone new in their own thinking. That is my theory anyway,
Life is an adventure! So the plan is to go for a MFA in Writing, to continue to develop Shibui. Write the blogs, poems and work writing projects. To enjoy my family and live fully. Memories of Thomas rest gently in my heart and I am grateful!
Pejj Nunes 9/25/2021