In September it will be a year since Thomas died. When your partner dies after years of marriage it’s a shock to find yourself “single” Being single is not like the “single” you are before marriage nor is it like this is, after a divorce.
Eventually, you move forward. You do the funeral, and all the other things required. Then there you are! Your home is different and needs to be re-suited___reclaimed because all of a sudden your lost partner is everywhere he once really was. To keep “him or her” in the same places is allowing things to get “holey” Shrine-like for some, so I read. That thought was a shocking idea! I looked around and found the house full of us! After all, we were both artists, and we had purchased art by other artists. We both loved books so there were many of those too! Art books, classics, fiction, nonfiction, biographies. A small library in other words. So you have walls that don’t need wallpaper because they are filled like a museum with art. Then there are the nic-nacs we bought and were given. We personalize our homes___
The bedroom! It took a while to not just sleep on my side of the bed. I am sure this is normal, and it begins to feel a bit silly. Thomas never did turn back up, not that I expected or would have wanted life to be like the movie Ghost. I began with that room by changing the bedroom up, new sheets, and comforter. Getting Tom’s clothes out of the closet___ All of a sudden there is space. And you are broadsided by the fact it’s just you now. This wasn’t the only moment for that thought. Everything that was done as a couple is a reminder you are not a part of “that!” All of a sudden there is time because he or she is not there!
So many things change and go poof! Your closest friend, your partner, your lover is gone. And you feel angry at this loss. There is nothing you can do immediately about it. Later you may wonder about a new relationship. Should I? Will I? Could I? And then you think of how old you are this time. You think other people do? Do I want to do that if ever? Some people I have read have decided not to because they fear the new partner will die also. I hate to think that we can’t love again. I have no idea what’s ahead.
I think taking time, reshaping life, being healthy, taking care of me at this point is wise. This can be looked at as a new path. It does not mean I did not love Thomas with my whole being! We had a good marriage, a lot of love and laughter. I will miss who he was. We loved each other for who we were. Our marriage felt rare. But I do believe that life and people have a great deal to offer! Maybe love can happen again. That person won’t be Thomas. I would hope to meet a different kind of person who I would find interesting, and like Thomas love me for who I am, as I would him. There is no rush to anything. There is a lot I want to do because I know life can be interesting and good. It is all how we look at it. I don’t want to be forever sad or depressed. Being an artist and writing are things I have done for years! Being broadsided by feelings is not a forever thing. It means I know I was loved. That’s all that matters. It should hurt. and in my heart, there is a place for that sadness to be treated tenderly. But my heart is a big heart and there are many people to love and care for. I will survive this. Thomas made sure I would be ok.
No one knows how long they will live. So living well, embracing life, being healthy as one can be. Those are good things. Buying into self-talk is not being wise. Focusing on loss to the extent that you don’t live life is not healthy.
Reaching out, making new friends. Doing new things. Being all we can be is a good way to go! Because life was so good with Thomas it helps my outlook. We had happiness! So I know happiness! Other people filled my life with love and happiness too! I am not the only one hurting when I hurt. If there is regret it is that he got so ill just after retiring so he could not have more time for his artwork. I was so excited for him!
Everyone seems to do this mourning thing uniquely, according to who they are. How long it last I have no idea. It is said it gets better. How it gets better has to do a lot with how you think about it.
As to how others respond to you now you are not a part of a couple___well if there are people whom my being singles bothers in some way___as one book states___ The idea is you are not with someone, and somehow this is an odd or a threat? Or you can only socialize with other singles? Not run across this. But really? I don’t think I have to be a part of a couple. That was wonderful. But it is not a requirement. In today’s world, you can have friends and your own homes. And if you have morals, ethics, and respect for yourself you’re not going for a married fellow.
Pejj Nunes 8/8/2021